You tried to force something bad. It didn’t work out and you ended up shattering the good in the process.
He looked just like his father. The same facial structure. The same mannerisms, goals, look in his eyes. That look. That downward look like there was something stirring deep inside causing a mix of disappointment and determination to flood those deep brown eyes. Yet he maintained a self-confidence that somehow managed to overcome that fact and overflow into his caring of other people. It was like that monster of his allowed him to see into other peoples’ souls. He cared about them, you could tell and it was a touching thing to see just how beautiful it was when he helped them. And while immense pride was felt at his presence for his accomplishments and embodiment of his father’s spirit, there was also a certain sadness. It was hard to not think of his father when looking at him. It was hard to fight back those feelings of loss once reminded of them. It was hard to differentiate the two. He was his father’s son.
" I prayed for 20 years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs. " - former slave Fredrick Douglass speaking of escaping slavery
I never loved you. Its that simple. I never did and I never will. The only issue is I didn’t realize that until too late. I didn’t realize what love felt like until much later. Until him. As for you, i thought i could convince myself to care for you even though i knew i would never grow to have stronger feelings than i already did. But how did i know that that wasn’t love? But moments later you asked if you could put your arm around me, kiss me, call me your own. And all i agreed to and all i did with a complete lack of emotion. Your life, your aspiration, your family, your future, you placed it all in my arms. And i learned to care about it all. But i knew it wasn’t real and i knew that i could never feel the way about you that you felt about me. Which is why i still can’t speak to you. I’m sorry that had to happen to you but i still don’t regret it.
Let’s go hunting
And kill all the elephants
The room is full of them
Crowding out the realness
Their talk is cute
Through their trunks and their suits
But hypocrisy’s in devilish
The niceties polite
But its sugar coated hellishness
How splendid it could be to sleep. To let my head rest, for once, from its incessant wanderings. Rest. But instead it cannot do so. And so it is often held and bound for the time until it breaks free. It always remains restless. It always finds an escape from its ties. And then it begins a dead sprint off again. It amazes me how it can continue running and racing and driving even when it is so weary. No. It nor i will know no rest. It likes watching the stars and moon too much.
At some point you’re going to have to realize that he is not that feeling or that circumstance or that adventure. He isn’t safety or security. He isn’t happiness or stress. He is a person. That is all.
I had a dream about you last night. Its the same one i always have. You’re walking away again. You dont turn back. You’re far too good at holding your ground. I dont know what i would do if you did look back. I was just standing there, unmoving, watching. The worst part is that aside from re-living the dream over and over, i know that it actually happened.